(N.B. I feel very quiet today. All is well, I will be back to writing prolifically as of tomorrow. Also, in order to manage my time better, I have shifted some of your new posts to Daily. I will still be following, but sometimes not responding right away.)
Day 10: Can you resolve the conflict? How?
I ran. I’ve always been a runner, in every way except the physical one. I have ignored my health, which to me is running from it. I’ve moved from state to state with little more to base the decision on than a bad relationship or the opportunity to avoid being accountable for myself in the eyes of my family. I run like mad every time I read, and reread, science fiction, or watch sci-fi movies; ignoring other projects or responsibilities becomes easier, and I know which books and movies make those actions easiest, so I invite those back into my life, time after time.
I’ve run from the knowledge that I would look bad at a doctor’s appointment, even though the medical people I see now aren’t like that. I cannot count the number of appointments I ran from between 2007 and 2010. And, after my bad experiences with doctors, and my incredible oversensitivity over criticism, had I skipped only one or two appointments this past year, I might not know about limiting my potassium, and I’d likely be in, or much closer to, dialysis.
I’ve run from relationships — so many of them, it’s hard for me to count them. And, almost always, the reason, (or perhaps I should say excuse,) for my running was due to my own unwillingness to change my behavior, to be more adaptable. I’m not saying that I had no other reasons for running — I had a few really good reasons. But I was unwilling to try and work something out, until 1998, when my then-husband was the one lying, about drinking, in our joint counseling. Taught me not to trust that talking was always a good thing, again, but then I realized I need to make better choices about the people I get close to.
So, I ran from the conflict, removed myself from the situation. But now, when I can look honestly at my own history, I can say with great clarity that leaving that position was the very best thing I could have done; I only wish I could have been so honest with myself then.