Last summer, I came to the very distressing realization that I’ve never been on a date. Never invited out to dinner, or a movie; never taken to miniature golf or a ball game. Any day or night, with any man, was the same — I was so busy trying to make the guy like me that I didn’t even try to wait. At the risk of sounding indelicate, (which I am, as we all know!) I would initiate preemptive sex, usually on the first night. And preemptive is the right word here — I was like a colonel, planning to conquer a man through his most vulnerable weakness, laying out the steps in my mind for the attack, and making very early plans for what was to be, almost always, a full frontal assault.
I never gave anyone a chance just to know me — to meet me and see if we clicked at all. Of course, the reason I came on so strong was that I didn’t think there was anything interesting or attractive about myself, to get and keep someone’s interest. And because I never gave anyone the chance to know me, I could only expect the same, over and over and over.
What would it be like to go out on a date? Well, I see him picking me up at my house, and opening the car door for me. We drive to a restaurant — any restaurant, because I think if we were enjoying each other’s company, even sandwiches and chips would be fine. We’d talk all through dinner, and laugh, slowly learning more and more about each other, obviously enjoying each other’s company. After dinner, a movie — nothing sweet, no chick flicks; I want adventure or science fiction. But that will depend on what he wants to see, as well.
After the movie, we drive back to my house, and sit in the car and talk about the evening. After a short while, he would get out of the car and walk to my side, open the door, and give me his hand for balance as I leave the car. I may or may not hold onto his hand, up to my front door, but when we arrive there, he leans down and kisses me very quickly on the lips, says goodnight, and that he’ll call.
And that’s it. He might wait three or four days before calling — I’d be a little bonkers by then, but it would do me good to wait.
That’s all I’m looking for. After a couple of months, if we really like each other, we might talk a little about sex, and what we each would expect from the other. But no more than just what I’ve written — have I waited too long? Have I lost the chance?
Well, I can always dream. Can’t I?