On the Eve of my 52nd Birthday

Well, here I am — it’s May 1st, and tomorrow I turn 52.  This seems like a good time to ponder some of the events of the last 12 months, and to identify lessons I’ve learned and those on which I still need work.

To begin with, I am happy to be alive.  That’s a pretty big deal, at least for me.  I spent years, decades not appreciating that at all; I gave my time to a combination of sadness, and giddy desperation, during which I worked as hard as I could to be happy, but at which I nearly always failed, resulting in too much sex, too many drugs, too much alcohol, and way too much misery.  I always managed to put a polite face on things, at least for strangers; anyone who’d known me for a long time could tell I was desperate.

Strangely, recently, I have had an opportunity to observe my new, innate happiness bubbling to the surface, to overtake sadness and remorse, to return me to an understanding I’ve not had in my life, that by being joyful, I overcome feelings of failure.  I have apologized.  And now I am done carrying around that heavy weight of guilt, and that strangely comfortable burden of misery I carried for so long.

I am participating in making my dreams come true.  I have hoped to be a writer since my teens; I have finally put aside that fruitless hope in favor of actual action.  I’ve written a few dumb things, but by far and away I’ve developed a healthier perspective using this creative highway for self-reflection.  In the wake of self-reflection, I have discovered a newer, more creative venue for communicating my words and feelings — poetry.

My life is invaded by pleasant activities: knitting, an activity I never realized would be so much fun in company; walking, an activity I have let go by the wayside over the winter, but to which I intend to turn my attention once again; a slowly growing circle of friends, who give me reasons to be interested in life and the world around me.  As simple an activity as sitting with a cup of tea in the morning, talking to other women my age gives me a new sense of connection and belonging to the world.  That in itself is occasion for joy.

I have also found a group of like-minded blogger friends; we support each others’ writing and photography, and music, and the trials of our lives.  These new friends have shown me that I am not the all-suffering waif I thought I was; rather they’ve helped me to find my own strength, and bolster my own voice.  I love everyone in my blogosphere, and I am grateful for the laughs, and the deep concern and caring I have received from my new friends.

I have many more lessons to study and master; I must find a way to enfold tact and regard for others into my writing.  I know that I must learn to stop assuming that what I feel about someone is the objective truth.  I hope to learn to decrease my tendency to take things personally, and I need to understand that my new sense of freedom does not free me of responsibility to respect each person for the sacred individual they are.

So, I face my 52nd birthday with excitement, and wonder, and hope, and joy.  Happy birthday to me!

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22 responses to “On the Eve of my 52nd Birthday

  1. Wanting to send you birthday wishes, if a few days late. You have come into your own in so many ways, just the short time that I’ve been following your blog. And I agree that the poetry you have been writing lately is truly something for you to pursue, because you are good at it. May your coming years be even brighter than the last 52, filled with joy and peace and sense of purpose, which I think you’ve already found. Happy Birthday, Judith!

    • Thank you for your kind and supportive words, and for your good wishes. I believe that I have found a sense of purpose that has eluded me for so long. I always wanted to be a writer — but I never had the discipline or the motivation or the faith in myself, or something. A friend and I went shopping today for a really good chair; if I’m going to continue to spend so much time at this desk, I need to be comfortable. The chair we chose will be ideal. A new desk will follow soon, I hope.

      I have benefitted so much from your encouragement — thank you so very much. Blessings on you. Namaste.

    • Thank you, Eldy. My life is so different from the way it used to be, I rarely even think about those times! Hooray!!! My life is a celebration, every day and all the time — I’m very lucky. Thanks again! 😎

  2. Judith – many happy returns on you birthday. It is inspiring to read that others are going through the same voyage of change as so many of us find find ourselves in blindly. I love your phrase ‘creative highway for self-reflection’ in relation to your writing. It truly sounds like you are making leaps and bounds in your progression and I wish you the very best for the next 12 months also. Good work XX 🙂

    • Thank you so much — I too am happy to see others meeting themselves in this new way. Today is a celebration, as every birthday and every day are! Thanks again! 😎

  3. Happy, Happy, of Happiest Borthdays this day is to celebrate the rebirth of that little girl in you. The woman you are becoming.Because sweetie wise people know its always in the coming, we change, we grow.

    Isn’t kind of a sweet thing that we have this freddom of becoming just who it is we want to be.

    • Thanks! It certainly is. My birthday is out in the middle of nowhere, in May, and until recently, we haven’t made a big deal about it too often. That little girl needs to celebrate! Love and hugs to you, and thanks.

      😎

  4. Happy Birthday Judith!!! Hope your day is filled with many wonderful happenings. The two paragraphs above the last one really said it all. Your friends are now the reason you are happy and wanting to keep on being so – the activites, smiles, thoughts and communication you now have are all the best bits. xo and big birthday hugs to you from across the globe.

  5. HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Judith! Isn’t it nice to hit a point in your life where you’re truly comfortable with yourself? Things appear to be coming together for you and I hope you have many happy, healthy years ahead to enjoy a life that “fits!” I hope you have a great day tomorrow!!!

    • George, I have said thank you so many times, I wish I had a stronger way to recognize all of the good advice and humor and friendship you have given me over the last few months. So I’m reaching right through the computer to give you a big Thank You and a warm hug. You have changed my life. Thank you for being who you are. 😎

  6. Have a wonderful birthday. Most my real life girlfriends have a number of years on me so I am thrilled to learn that you are another of my younger online gal pals, even if by 6 months & 11 days. Age is only a number, but I learning that the bigger the number the more respect I command ( or is it that I demand?) Celebrate!

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