Telling my emotional history: the fallout and my family

I just spoke with sister S., who has been incommunicado for a few days in Appalachia with lifelong friend, T., a member of the family with whom we got so close in Turkey.  I’m glad she had a great time, and now I’m glad she’s home.  We talked about my experience with the book she sent, and with my inner little Judy.  I thanked her, and I’ll say it again right here —  Thanks so much, my sister,  for recognizing the value this book will add to my day-to-day learning and living.

I need to write about taboo subjects; at least taboo while I was being raised. I have posted frequently about what we did when I was a child; now it’s time to write about what I felt.  These memories are not  judgments of my family –I am not qualified to judge anyone.  I believe I was born with a tendency toward sadness, and no one had enough time to nurture that feeling out of me — too many kids, too much to do.

My parents did the best each of them was capable of doing.  Dad was a U.S. Air Force pilot in a very tense time our country’s history.  Mom had a very difficult role, bearing all the responsibility for raising seven kids within 8 years of each other in age.  I know, Mom, that if a class had been offered in how to be the perfect parent, you would have taken it, because education was and is very important to you.  But you never had that luxury, and I understand you had a very tough row to hoe on your own.  You know I love you — there is no blame here.  I can’t imagine what I would have done with all those kids.  That’s why I don’t have kids!

I will write more about being born unhappy, soon.  My family, please remember that I’m writing about my own experiences.  The shocking part will come when I write about how it felt, not about the things we did.  I’m bringing up feelings — a scary subject to reveal, and I bet, scary for those wondering what I will reveal.

I am finally happy; relatively healthy, for me; living alone and not pining for anyone.  I love my job.  I have friends.  I have spent much time with the blog, starting what will be a lifetime process.  If I remain quiet, I will never be as happy as I can be.  And if I don’t tell the truth now, to myself as much as anyone else, I will never live fully.

All of this has nothing to do with anyone but me.  It is my invaluable task.  At the risk of sounding patronizing, I recommend it to the world.


5 responses to “Telling my emotional history: the fallout and my family

  1. You are sucj a brave girl.I am touched. If my family was receptive to this I’d be blown away. Instead i am writing mine in docudrama style changing names to hide the guilty.

    Its a couragoous thing you ar doing my friend but you finally realize the risk of not doing it is too much.
    If you need a friend, wnat to talk off blog you know eher to find my email. I am here for you Judith, and for little Judy too. I know how to hold and gently hug those little girls within. It was the hardest, most difficuly work i have ever done, and to have come out the other side a dfferent view on life was a miacle. Keep on keeping.. I love you jUDiTH.!!

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