I found the extension cord I have been looking for the last three days, and now, with my new 40′ ethernet cord, I can write in the chair or on the couch.. Hooray! Sister S. suggested this to me earlier, and, as often happens when I am hurting physically, I immediately played the negative card — can’t find the cord, don’t want to write anyway, Blah, blah, blah. Because she is my kind and loving teacher, as well as my sister and my best friend, I decided I would change this without her help, other than the original suggestion. Thank you, S.; change comes a little more easily every time, though choosing the new approach takes hard work and concentration.
I want to kick myself around, every time I forget the positive approach. But kicking myself has been my best event for decades, and I prefer to learn to be kind to myself. So what is holding me back from growth and change? I still must forgive myself for all of the wasted time, and all the misery. I have been so much happier and more functioning lately than I had in the past; I forget, sometimes, that I am on a journey, and the path is the purpose and the goal.
So, rather than sitting and feeling depressed, I went through those rules I have learned, about leading a balanced life and talking the talk until I can once again believe myself, and in myself. I (very slowly) hopped up out of my chair, and began search dusty, out-of-the-way corners for an extension cord. I found one, and set myself up to write again. Here I am.
I must reconcile my feelings about wasted time with the rest of my happier mood. Many of my activities over the years have included a lot of wasted time, worrying and gnawing away in my old style. “You can’t do that. You have never succeeded in this community; So instead of learning that lesson, you find it easier to cheat, or to make excuses, or just to pout. Judith, what is wrong with this picture?”
The new message, replacing the one above, is this: “Judith, this may seem like a daunting or difficult test, and we both know how lazy you are. Get up and do what must be done, or learn how, and then do it. Stop complaining and making excuses and wasting this time. Now.” Perhaps I’ll call Banana Banners in Bowdoinham, Maine, and ask them to make a banner of those words, so that I will be easily reminded.
Kindness lavished upon myself is bound to move me far down the path I’ve chosen, and remembering that what is past is past, will assure that my path leads me in the direction I desire — forward to a less punishing, happier life.