Almost every night, I burn a candle. Tonight, I chose two tea light candles, both coconut scented, because when I smell them I feel I’m almost enjoying an Almond Joy candy bay. My favorite is coconut, but I also have lavender, pineapple/ginger, cinnamon, and a couple of big unscented candles as well. In addition I have moldavite and jasmine incense — I’m experimenting with different combinations.
Tonight, I set up my candles, but I couldn’t find a lighter anywhere in the house. I felt a little exasperated, but I knew I’d tucked away a box of strike anywherematches. Of course, they were not neatly stored with the candles, which is where I keep them. Here I sit, psyched to light my favorite candles and keep them on the desk while I type; instead I begin a house-wide search for any kind of fire. I found the matches, after a while, stuck in a bag of miscellaneous junk; the lighter was behind a picture frame on my desk.
When I sat down to write about this, I felt a sudden understanding. My experiences of the last few days are somewhat similar to this idea of being unable to find the fire. The refusal of the dermatologist even to listen to me, before she blamed the itchy bumps on my psyche. Me, sitting in that office, showing her a pair of spots that was brand new, that I hadn’t scratched, so I couldn’t have caused the bumps by scratching, or by imagining they itch. These spots itched so badly, I have literally dug into my left arm to a depth of a half-inch, and still couldn’t stop the itching, anymore than I could stop breathing.
I understand and even accept that I have Obsessive/Compulsive problems, picking at my skin. But I was quite thrown by this ridiculous doctor, who blamed my condition on my psyche, because she didn’t know the real answer. I felt my hard-won content snuffed — and I couldn’t find fire anywhere; I searched for a couple of days, but with no luck. So I tried something I knew would help; I used all my time in dream team, describing my situation and asking for a light, or even just a spark. My fellow dreamers encouraged me to understand my problem, and look at my skill set for digging myself out of the dumps.
This discussion helped, but the thing that really helped was the spark of unconditional belief and understanding my teammates gave me. It was just enough to get that candle burning again — burning low, but not put out by my circumstances anymore. In just this way, I realized that I have friends throughout the building who smoke, and who would be happy to lend me their sparks, when I can’t find my own.
I have family all over the country whose spiritual sparks are always available. I employ spiritual practices in my life, so that my spark has a harder time getting away from me, and through those practices, I identify all different sources of fire in my life, on which I may depend at one time or another. And I learn more, everyday, about not losing track of my own flame from day-to-day.
I know, this whole post is something of a stretch, but this is what I’ve been thinking about tonight; I thought it worth sharing.