I was discharged by the Wound Care NP today, and by the Blood disease group yesterday, with my anemia staying well above the lower limit for the entire year of 2012. My ulcers are healed, with the exception of one spot about the size of a happy face 😎 I have a new round of Morgellans Syndrome dots coming up — legs, arms, abdomen and breasts — all of which itch like fucking fire. But I’m doing much better not messing with them or scratching them. Since that is the ultimate secret, I should be able to avoid big problems.
I have finally arranged to meet with a psychologist on Monday. My NP, at the wound care clinic, asked me what I hoped to accomplish; I know she expected me to say something about Morgellans, and how none of my doctors believe me. But I have put that whole thing on the back burner. I have actual photos now, showing the fibers, and the psychiatric NP said she thought I was perfectly sane. I don’t think anyone has ever believed that before!
No, my reason is far more basic, and more all-encompassing than Morgellans. Through an incredible string of good luck, I have managed to stay alive till now, still seeing and walking; I cannot think of a more unlikely fact than that, as I looked at it a couple of years ago. I have managed to avoid losing my sight, my legs and feet, my heart, and my kidneys, which seem to be holding on for now. I am truly blessed. So why can I not treat myself with the care I need, as regards my diabetes and food choices?
I eat more healthily than I did most of my adult life, but I am still no closer to eliminating foods like ice cream, muffins, turnovers, and chocolate from my diet. I order a coupon deal from Domino’s Pizza, (once a month on the day I get my check,) which is always the same — Medium one topping pizza, 16 Parmesan bites, and Cinnastix, which I used to eat but now give to my downstairs neighbor. I eat two slices of pizza, and about 6 Parmesan bites, which comes to around 80 grams of carbs — twice what I should eat in one meal. This menu is bad, but it’s better than my earlier days, when I would have eaten the whole thing in one or two sittings.
I have made some changes, but they are all changes in the amount, not in the nature of the foods I eat. Over the holiday, I carefully covered every extra carbohydrate, and gained about ten pounds. Then, today, I decided I am going to actually eat less, or do my best to do so, anyway. I have discovered the rewarding feeling of exercising to a point past where I always quit before — serotonin is powerful stuff. I want to keep up the progress I’ve made in physical therapy. I put together my under the desk exerciser the other day, and I love it — I will be increasing my time every day, but I already am up to seven minutes.
So, I am going to see the psychologist to try to learn the reasons I am squandering the gifts of extra days of life by not taking that one more small step, and eating the right foods. I firmly believe that impulse control is one of my more important weaknesses, along with the pervasive habit of eating badly for so many years. I have started anew more times than I can count, and I still have trouble believing that I will be successful. One thing I do bring, this time, is a far better grounding in my own life and its craziness, and my anger, than I ever had before. And if I don’t get there this time, I know better than to throw up my hands in despair and believe I never will. Most importantly, I love myself now. Hopefully, that will be enough.