I feel, most of the time, that I pretty much have things figured out; that I possess a good solid grounding in the ways of the world. This confidence was hard-fought, and I certainly treasure myself for learning that life is pretty good. I feel this way, pretty sure of the emotional ups and downs I can expect in my life, most of the time.
And then there come days like today. I met my new psychologist today; I didn’t intend to give him a smooth story, or a pile of lies, either. Just tell the story as it happened, right? So much of my past I truly believed I’d worked out, and yet, as I talked in that office, all the old stuff came flooding back.
Not exactly the same stuff, but enough of it to throw me off-kilter, to drop me into a muddy old hole that I thought I’d seen the last of. I almost walked out. I thought I grew so much more mature, secure in the work of my life over the last couple of years.
I got much of it wrong. Not all of it — I refer to my own psyche, and my understanding thereof. I do not feel like retreating, anymore. I don’t think the last few years were wasted. I am the one who chose to go back into psychological counseling; I knew, if I’m honest, I still had some childhood stuff to process. But my primary reason for working with this psychologist is that, as I wrote recently, I want to live up to the blessing of the extra years I’ve gained, and to do that, I must eat more carefully, and less often.
Nevertheless, my earliest neural patterns are still affecting every thing I do — this is where the doctor and I will start. He is fairly confident himself, that I will do well in his care — he spoke of color therapy, and sound therapy — stuff I always thought was for people much younger than I am. Still, though, as I consider our initial plan, I see the young girl I will be finding and comforting within me, again, and those therapies are right on for her age.
I am more hopeful than I expected to be. Maybe it’s important that I acknowledge how much more anxious I am to do this, or to find some ways to lessen my anger and stop living so far back. I will need to learn that to cry is okay – I sense I’ll shed some tears. But I also believe, as I work on with this doctor, that I will find my good mood once more, but with an added insight this time which I never experienced before. (Phew!) I am confident I’ll be relieved.