Where did my confidence go?

I feel, most of the time, that I pretty much have things figured out; that I possess a good solid grounding in the ways of the world.  This confidence was hard-fought, and I certainly treasure myself for learning that life is pretty good.  I feel this way, pretty sure of the emotional ups and downs I can expect in my life, most of the time.

And then there come days like today.  I met my new psychologist today; I didn’t intend to give him a smooth story, or a pile of lies, either.  Just tell the story as it happened, right?  So much of my past I truly believed I’d worked out, and yet, as I talked in that office, all the old stuff came flooding back.

Not so confident after all?

Not so confident after all?

Not exactly the same stuff, but enough of it to throw me off-kilter, to drop me into a muddy old hole that I thought I’d seen the last of.  I almost walked out.  I thought I grew so much more mature, secure in the work  of my life over the last couple of years.

I got much of it wrong.  Not all of it — I refer to my own psyche, and my understanding thereof.  I do not feel like retreating, anymore.  I don’t think the last few years were wasted.  I am the one who chose to go back into psychological counseling; I knew, if I’m honest, I still had some childhood stuff to process.  But my primary reason for working with this psychologist is that, as I wrote recently, I want to live up to the blessing of the extra years I’ve gained, and to do that, I must eat more carefully, and less often.

Nevertheless, my earliest neural patterns are still affecting every thing I do — this is where the doctor and I will start.  He is fairly confident himself, that I will do well in his care — he spoke of color therapy, and sound therapy — stuff I always thought was for people much younger than I am.  Still, though, as I consider our initial plan, I see the young girl I will be finding and comforting within me, again, and those therapies are right on for her age.

I am more hopeful than I expected to be.  Maybe it’s important that I acknowledge how much more anxious I am to do this, or to find some ways to lessen my anger and stop living so far back.  I will need to learn that to cry is okay – I sense I’ll shed some tears.  But I also believe, as I work on with this doctor, that I will find my good mood once more, but with an added insight this time which I never experienced before. (Phew!)  I am confident I’ll be relieved.


14 responses to “Where did my confidence go?

  1. You’re off to a good start. Remember if you feel uncomfortable or are having an issue, stop and talk it out with him. He either can help you with it or he won’t be as good a fit as you hoped for. Either way, don’t clam up and don’t walk without trying first.


  2. Just step carefully my good friend.

    Some things can be left in the past and we don’t have to re-open old wounds unless by doing so it gives us fresh input which will help us in the now.

    You appear to me do be doing very well and I hope that does continue.

    Thinking about you


    • Thank you for your warning, and for your encouragement, David. I do tend to jump feet first into things like this, and I value your caution.

      I hope 2013 is beginning well for you — and that it continues so.

      All my very best,


  3. Judith, remember that all you lived through brought you to this very place and time. Your past (like it or not) has helped to formulate you. Not control you, not hold you – just gave you a foundation or point of reference. Now, off you go – shed your tears, tell your story and move on with your head held high.

  4. Sounds like a great step. I know what you mean about thinking you have something sorted out then it comes back to bite you – the doc sounds good. All best my friend.

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