Past Decisions, Present Dreams

From Don Miguel Ruiz’ Four Agreements, today’s card concerns the Agreement, Always Do Your Best:

Surrender and let go of the past

Whatever life takes away from you, let it go.  When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment.  Letting go of the past means that you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now.

Letting go of the past is my life’s theme this year.  I cannot say I’ve accomplished this task; in fact, I don’t suspect I will ever accomplish it.  I think, rather, that letting go of the past is a process, just as life is a journey.  But I have received some very good advice, and some real clinical help, with putting the past behind me — at least one teeny-tiny little bit of it, anyway.  And that small change is all I expect of myself at one time.  I just need to repeat that process hundreds or thousands of times, one every day.

I wrote about my new psychologist, and our beginning with light therapy.  Next week is color, and further down the road, we will combine the two.  I joined Dream Teams, which taught me to take long-held, un-accomplished goals, and  begin to make them happen.  The support from my fellow dreamers has been powerful and positive, and our organizer, Darreby, has become a very good friend over the last two years.  Developing my dream  of writing involved putting a piece of the past behind me — the piece that said I could never manifest that dream that I’ve carried around since I was eight or nine.

Mom and I have achieved what some would think miraculous; we enjoy each other’s company, and regularly spend time together on the weekends.  We both had to let go of a lot of past stuff in order to make this happen.  (She quipped tonight, half seriously, that some of what I write in this blog requires an indulgent blind eye — she has certainly done that for me.)  Now that we’ve made it to this level of understanding, I can look back at the many mixed emotions and impressions of my mother that stuck with me through my life; in doing so, the act of getting along is a gentle daily reminder of how things might have been, had not my life taken on a tinge of the miraculous.  We have reached a notable and loving accord — one I know we both appreciate.

My new approach to health is an ongoing process of letting go of the past.  For most of the last 50 years, I’ve thought of myself as a person who will die soon enough that nothing I did mattered.  Even now, after all of the lessons I’ve learned, I struggle with my food choices, and with keeping complete and accurate records of blood sugar, carbohydrate intake, insulin dose, potassium intake, and the food I eat.  For someone who learns to do this when they are first diagnosed with diabetes, I expect this process seems like just another facet of being diabetic.  But I didn’t learn record-keeping when I became a diabetic.  I was too frightened, and far too young to deal with the enormity of diabetes.

Over the years, I have done better and worse in this part of my life.  I chose from the start to eat what I wanted, and behave the way I wanted, with no consideration of consequences.  I lived in the moment, but not for the right reasons.  Deep down, my fear underlaid my reckless behavior — I was rebelling against myself.

I became a little less spotty with diet as I got older, but I never and still haven’t eliminated the very sugary and very salty foods.  I go through periods of great care, including recording all of the information I listed above.  I also go through periods when I don’t care one whit.  Until recently, I exercised only infrequently.  Now, though the time has not come to declare myself free of this bad habit, I have at least learned that exercise can be enjoyable, and is definitely necessary in the attempt to balance my blood sugar.  As of now, I am exercising every morning, on my little pedal machine, and seeing an enormous improvement in my glucose readings.

I could list these lesson results until my fingers gave out.  Every day I begin anew the process of leaving one little piece of my past behind me.  As Don Miguel Ruiz states, I am leaving the difficulties of my past behind, in order to live fully in my current dream.  Try it — I recommend it highly.

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