I admit, with my eyes open at last, that I resented most of the nurses and doctors who cared for me during my hospiotal stays. I apologize for that behavior and attititude; the last few days, I undersatand that negativity and complete refusal to accept my part in the outcomes of those times.
I came to this realization after a discussion with Mom; I praised the nurses, the hospitalist, my surgeon, and all of the clerks and cooks and administrative staff I worke with over the last weeks.
I stopped talking for a moment, and Mom reminded me, very gently, that most of my resentment and anger arose from my unhappiness with mnyself; that overall the nurses have been kind, lovely men and women, whose cheer simply accented my misery. She is right. My confrontations in the past have almost always marked time with my feeling of being ignored by people I so wanted to impress.
I’m sitting here by the big, bright window in my room at Rehab, and a few examples come to mind.. I remember being furiously angry at a certain psychiatrist, to whom I was assigned while in the Mental Health Facilty at our hospital. Of course, unlike everyone else, I didn’t really need help, so why should I listen to him; he felt I should change anti-depressants. Obviously, mine were working so well that I didn’t feel any motivation to change anything — 1 Another time, I participated quite reluctantly in a large support group, which was the maintenance of the hospital’s lessons. I might as well have been standing in Kazikstan,for all my interest and involvement. (Later, I went through the program, paying attention and being mindful about the whole business, and I made some significant cognizent-behavioral strides.) During that first session, however, I was catty and childish and refused to listen to what the nurse practitioners and other members of the staff understood so well. Naturally, as a result, I missed a lot of help offered, and instead set myself up as a victim, in the eyes of others.
Now, I’m sitting in the dining hall at Rehab, watching these kind, purposeful women and men helping the residents who chose to eat here, while a large part of the staff attends individuals eating in their rooms. In the short time I have spent here, I see these CNAs , most of them right out of nursing sfhool, sitting patiently for a resident to decide north or south, yes of no, to laugh or to cry, or not to show any reaction at all. And even though these residents sadden me, I see staff members who jump in with both feet. I expect many people have done that for me, and I either ignored their feelings, or contradicted them at every turn. Now I feel respect for all the staff, even those for whom I have no affection.
Our civilization lacks courtesy and kindness so often. In my part oif the world, I see children and teens who think nothing of pushing an elder out of a line. The last election raised big flags about underlying racism in our politics and religion. My hope shrinks a little whenever I hear differences of opinion — in the end, both parties may agree to tolerate each other. Our tolerance indicates, however, that both parties are willing to put up with the other, as long as everyone plays by the tolerator’s rules. I prefer my own set of values — keep my mind, and my heart, open. lack courtesy and kindness so often. IN my part oif the world, I see children and teens who think nothing of pushing an elder out of the way. The last election raised big flags about underlying racism in our politics and religion. I find myself quite hopeless, even when I hear differences of opinion — in the end, both parties may agree to tolerate each other. THeir tolerance indicates, however, that both parties are willing to put up with the other, as long as everyone plays by the tolerator’s rules.