Not too miserable, not too happy — content

I believe, firmly, that there are no coincidences.  So, when I read this Daily Quote from Abraham-Hicks yesterday, I was only a little surprised.

When you say “Yes” to something, you include something you do want in your experience. When you say “No” to something, you include something you don’t want in your experience.

— Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Orlando, FL on Saturday, February 15th, 1997 # 4

This is as clear a restatement of the Law of Attraction as I’ve ever heard.  Like calls to like.  I spent a long time including things I didn’t want in my experience — all the time I spent, unhappy about my health and the circumstances of my life, I was building a stronger, thicker wall of unhappiness  and dis-ease  around my life.  That kind of thinking is a vicious circle — feel bad, life is bad, then feel worse, life gets worse.  I didn’t understand what I was doing until I began to see my sister S. using the same strategy to accomplish the good things in life that she wanted.

The Law of Attraction doesn’t change if my health, or mood, or circumstances change.  My desire for a better, happier, simpler life got the Law working for me, instead of against me.  As is implied in the statement above, that on which I focus my energy is the thing, or idea, or condition I place on myself.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself, feeling sick and discouraged, I decided I was going to be happy.  And that’s what happened.  For a while.

The one part of the workings of the Law of Attraction I didn’t quite understand was that I couldn’t just decide to be happy, and then forget about it.  The first time I woke feeling like crap, I thought the whole system must be flawed, or worse, that I was too flawed to work the system.  After some serious reflection on what I’d read and learned, I came to a deeper understanding:  wanting to live a happy life was not enough; rather, my job was to decide to live a happy life, every day.  Nothing else would work.

As often happens to alcoholics before their recovery begins, that whole long stretch of making myself happy felt like more than I could handle.  I’ve always had a problem taking too broad a view of things.  Doc says I’m going to die young?  Rather than treat myself more carefully, follow the rules and make that short time as healthy as I can, I gave up, and broke every rule a “good” diabetic needs to remember.  I ate the unhealthiest of foods, drank the very worst alcohol in large amounts, generally acted like I didn’t care how short my life would be, and tossed the whole business out the window of my heart.

Then, I realized that wanting to be happy wasn’t quite enough.  I wanted that happiness so much, I stumbled right into the real answer.  Nobody is happy all the time — that would be as unnatural as a young woman, so depressed and sad, that she was uninterested in her own life, (me, remember?)  What I really wanted was to be content within myself, simply to accept what life sent my way, and not try to change it,
(since I couldn’t, anyway.)  So that is where I concentrated my energy — forgive myself, for all the wasted time and missed opportunity, and instead of blaming myself, realize that without my life’s experiences, I wouldn’t be who I was now, and I didn’t want to hide her away again.

Contentment brought me solace on sad days, and joy on happy ones.  I no longer feared the bad news doctors might give me, nor the good news, for that matter.  I stopped freaking out about money — I don’t have any more, but I am wiser about where and on what I spend it.  And I can look forward — my 53rd birthday approaches, and I am planning for a vacation 1 1/2 years away.  I can’t imagine a more profound change.

Why am I writing this?  Why did the affirmation so tug at my heart?  I have sat here in my apartment for three days, pouting.  I’ve played computer games and watched several movies, eaten some food I should not have, and felt sorry for myself.  In fact, this mood has been coming on since before I went to Mom’s last week.  I am embarrassed to say why, but those of you who have been reading me for a while can likely guess.

I had left the house in a mess.  When I got home, I called my helper from Catholic Charities, and told her not to come over — I didn’t want her to see the house such a mess, (she helps with housekeeping — how weird is that.)  I sat for a couple of days, and then started to clean things up.  I got so sad, so fast, that I stopped, sat down, and that’s where I was until I began to write this post.  I am not proud of this situation.  I am befuddled and unhappy with myself.  Here is another part of my mind to which I give too much time and consideration.  The work goes on.

Rather a long, meandering post, I know.  I stopped a couple of paragraphs back, went outside into the 65℉, sunny afternoon, walked around the building, and sat in the sun for a half hour — not doing anything, simply soaking in sunlight, and reminding myself of why this was so important to my spirit.  The leaves are budding on the branches, and early perennials are growing all around the building.  This is my favorite time of year, and I was watching it go by without a word.

I am done with that, for now, at least.  I have renewed my promise of the last couple of years — I will sit outside, not doing anything in particular, for at least an hour on every spring, summer, and autumn day, wherever I can find a dry seat.

Wanting happiness is important, but it isn’t the whole picture, at least not for me.  I must work everyday to be content, accept life as it comes and make the best of every blessed minute.  The work isn’t hard; since I identified my goal, really understand it, contentment comes more freely than I would ever have believed.  Now, it’s time for me to live.


One response to “Not too miserable, not too happy — content

  1. Pingback: Putting up pillows | Diabetic Redemption

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