Dropped the “grown-up” ball again!

It’s been a while since I really screwed up around the building, but I screwed up today.

My neighbor below me is an odd woman — even she says so.  She walks around singing all the time — I mean, she never stops.  But that I don’t mind enough to say anything.  No, the action that makes me crazy is that she walks around, all through the spring, pruning shrubs.

I believe that pruning shrubs that are putting on buds is a mistake.  Instead of seeking her out, I wrote my feelings on a short note and put it where she would find it, near her mailbox.  A truly dumb-ass thing to do.  I just got a bang on my door and a tongue-lashing by this woman, and I realized I should have known better.

The only way to change anything around here is to turn it in at the office.  I should have done that, instead, I got this vitriolic diatribe about how weird I was and was I f-ed up mentally to care about this?  I said no, but she went on, and I let myself get frustrated, which leads to anger, which leads to me sometimes saying things I later regret.  Which I did tonight.  Vehemently, and with less than polite vocabulary.  I am sure that my behavior tonight reinforced her belief that I am insane — a point she repeated several times.  I went downstairs a few minutes later, and tried to apologize, and basically learned that she doesn’t accept apologies.

If I had been thinking, I would have understood that there was the place to stop, for sure.  But I was strictly going on emotions now, and I called her a bitch and stormed off.  I haven’t done that in a while, and it certainly doesn’t accomplish anything.  I regretted it as soon as I took the first step, but I was beyond any backing down by then.

And that’s where I sit now, feeling like a child with too much anger and nothing I can do about it.  Over a bunch of shrubs.  How asinine am I?  I am writing this because I can’t figure it out — I thought I overcame that tendency toward emotional overreaction, or at least had the characteristic under good control.  But this woman set me off so easily — I reverted to my childhood reactions.  The only thing I didn’t do was stomp my feet.  Until I got back upstairs.  Then, I gave the floor a good hard stomp.  What an infant I can be.

Thanks for listening — I’m going to be eating crow for a while, but at least I feel better for having written it down where I can read it over, instead of worrying or stewing in silence.  One more thing to bring up to my psychologist tomorrow.  Damn!


8 responses to “Dropped the “grown-up” ball again!

  1. Hi Judith, I read this and thought “don’t beat yourself up over this”. Now I thought about it overnight and well…Don’t beat yourself up over this. We are all odd in our own little ways…for all you know she could be feeling bad about it all too on some level. It seems to me it falls under the heading of “lesson learned” and kudos to you for seeing yourself clearly through the emotional upheaval and taking a step in the right direction for yourself. Onward to better days I say!

  2. We all make mistakes, no matter how old we are.

    How about leaving it a couple of days and then baking something and taking it as an apology? After that, if she still says no, you’ll have to just put it behind you. But at least you’ll know you did your best to fix things, and that can take away some of the sting.

  3. I am always so surprised when people don’t accept a humbly offered apology ….

    my policy is that its done its over
    breathe through the yukky guilty feelings and come back to the moment!

    she’ll be right, as we say in australia!

  4. I don’t know… it seems like she overreacted first. I’m not saying bad justifies bad, only that maybe you weren’t entirely to blame. 🙂 Either way, we all make missteps. The important thing is that you tried your best to fix it. *hugs*

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