I have many things for which to be grateful today. At the very top of my list today is my enormous gratitude for the grace and calm I have found in the last couple of years. I got a good look at that this week,
in 2009, I experienced a full-on battle with my Morgellons syndrome. This is skin, and some outrageous itching, with only little pairs of dots on my skin showing. I felt like I had a swarm of bugs under my skin, and I dug my left arm badly. I freaked out — came close to being full-on suicidal, because none of my doctors believed me.
In the last couple of weeks, and particularly in the last couple of days, my Morgellons’ symptoms came roaring back — itching, sores, uneasiness at not knowing what is happening. But this time, I am far more composed, less prone to panic. I have experienced new symptoms, and a round of insomnia-induced hallucinations about bugs coming out from under my skin. I didn’t catch myself right away, and I dug up my right arm in an effort to remove the bugs. After calmly talking with Mom, I thought about the last time, and I decided to get a good night’s sleep before I chose to react any further.
When I awoke this morning, immediately I looked at my samples. What were bugs yesterday were the roots of hairs today. They weren’t moving, and I saw none of the bug-like appearances I saw yesterday. I determined that I had been hallucinating. As always, this feels bad to me, the striving control freak. But I didn’t immediately assume I needed a psychiatrist and psychotropic drugs, as I did the last time. I put the fear and frustration and embarrassment of last time aside, and accepted that staying up late writing and watching movies needed to give way to getting more sleep. Just a calm realization and a plan for the future.
When I think about all the other parts of my life for which I am grateful this week — my family, my friends, my currently stable health, apart from the Morgellons, my good fortune to live in a time when medicine, and science in general, are moving forward so quickly and with such dramatic results. I am thankful to live in the state of Maine, in a sweet little coastal city that’s far away from the bustle of Portland, but close enough to get there in an ho ur. Despite my past struggles with my health, I believe I am a very lucky woman, with gratitude and thanks