Gratitudes — Saturday, 06/29/2013

I have many things for which to be grateful today.  At the very top of my list today is my enormous gratitude for the grace and calm I have found in the last couple of years.  I got a good look at that this week,

in 2009, I experienced a full-on battle with my Morgellons syndrome.  This is skin, and some outrageous itching, with only little pairs of dots on my skin showing.  I felt like I had a swarm of bugs under my skin, and I dug my left arm badly. I freaked out — came close to being full-on suicidal, because none of my doctors believed me.

In the last couple of weeks, and particularly in the last couple of days, my Morgellons’ symptoms came roaring back — itching, sores, uneasiness at not knowing what is happening.  But this time, I am far more composed, less prone to panic.  I have experienced new symptoms, and a round of insomnia-induced hallucinations about bugs coming out from under my skin.  I didn’t catch myself right away, and I dug up my right arm in an effort to remove the bugs.  After calmly talking with Mom, I thought about the last time, and I decided to get a good night’s sleep before I chose to react any further.

When I awoke this morning, immediately I looked at my samples.  What were bugs yesterday were the roots of hairs today.  They weren’t moving, and I saw none of the bug-like appearances I saw yesterday.  I determined that I had been hallucinating.  As always, this feels bad to me, the striving control freak.  But I didn’t immediately assume I needed a psychiatrist and psychotropic drugs, as I did the last time.  I put the fear and frustration and embarrassment of last time aside, and accepted that staying up late writing and watching movies needed to give way to getting more sleep.  Just a calm realization and a plan for the future.

When I think about all the other parts of my life for which I am grateful this week — my family, my friends, my currently stable health, apart from the Morgellons, my good fortune to live in a time when medicine, and science in general, are moving forward so quickly and with such dramatic results.  I am thankful to live in the state of Maine, in a sweet little coastal city that’s far away from the bustle of Portland, but close enough to get there in an ho                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        ur.  Despite my past struggles with my health, I believe I am a very lucky woman, with gratitude and thanks


4 responses to “Gratitudes — Saturday, 06/29/2013

    • Oh, Jay, I feel like a real dumbass right now. I had every intention of calling you today, but I stayed in bed most of the day, pretty near exhausted, and I only just remembered. I am so very sorry. Will you give me another chance? Please? I swear I just forgot — not trying to avoid you or anything like that. Please forgive me — I will try calling tomorrow, unless you tell me not to.

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