I suppose I need to have days like the last two, whenever I get thinking that I have a bead on everything. The emotional setback I’ve just been through will benefit me in the end, but I am awfully uncomfortable while it’s happening.
My most confident declarations have a way of coming back to bite me in the ass. Seems like whenever I am feeling particularly successful, managing my emotions, I get a big setback, something that makes me doubt everything. That happened over the last three days. I allowed myself to go a couple of nights with almost no sleep, and as a result, I went back to the hallucinations that have plagued me when I am overtired. This time, I was sure that I had tiny white worms crawling out from under my skin. Gross enough, I know, but then I started digging my arm with my fingernails in an attempt to get them off me.
By the second day, after getting several hours sleep, I could see that nothing was there, but by that night, I was up till all hours, and the worms were back in the morning. I was not calmed by anyone’s insistence that they weren’t there — I could see them, touch them, feel them moving. By late afternoon, I believed I had one in my right eye, so I went to the ER, where the doctor was quite quick to tell me that nothing was coming out of my skin, but that this hallucination is relatively common. She kept me there for a few hours, did some blood tests, and sent in the crisis team to talk with me. I resisted their efforts to help, because I have very little faith in peer support in general, and in our local agency in particular. But they sat with me until I finally had to allow as how I might have been imagining the problem.
Finally, I was ready to go home, and I took a cab from the hospital. By the time I was home, I was deep in self-condemnation and shame over the picture I must have presented in the ER. I went to bed, slept until 11AM, and I’ve been feeling crappy about myself the whole day. I know what I would suggest to someone else in my condition, but I can’t guide myself, somehow. I can’t get past being horribly embarrassed for such stubbornness and for thinking that I was right and everyone else was wrong.
I thought that writing this down would help, but so far, just more tears and feeling bad. I try not to be sorry for myself, especially in my writing, but here I am, and I think I may be a while getting past this. I thank you all for your good wishes, as I know you are pulling for me to snap out of this. I will be back and try again in a couple of days.