I am fast showing my age — in memory loss, hearing loss, and of course the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” move in February. Once again, I spaced out that today is Saturday, and now I’m trying to squeeze in this post in the last 1 1/2 hours of the day.
Last night and this morning, I started a major purge of all the stuff I’ve carried around for thirty years, four states, and who knows how many moves in each state. I still own crap I bought the first year I lived in Colorado, and stuff from everywhere in between. I finally feel tired of all of the clutter. I believe my difficulty keeping my apartment clean and orderly stems right from my difficulty throwing things away.
Last night I started with the most difficult task I will face in this whole process — going through years’ worth of photos. Once again, I was so much happier than I remember being in my last marriage. Toward the end of my last marriage, life got kind of rough, emotionally; but when I look at those pictures, I see that once again I’ve been putting a filter on my memories. In fact, I was madly in love, and I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face. Every shot of me shows me smiling, laughing, holding on to my husband like I never wanted to let him go. And he was doing the same, smiling that smile I loved so much, the one he is wearing again now, but not for me. I got some important life knowledge from that marriage, and from last night’s review: I must appreciate what I have, and not manipulate people I love into such tight corners. This isn’t the first time, by any measure. I hope to everything sacred in the world that it was my last.
I cleared up one thing at work on Tuesday. He came into the store, and I called him over. I looked him in the eyes and told him that my heart still pitter-pattered a bit when I saw him. I asked if he had any of the same feelings, and he said no — just no and walked away. Nothing less than I expected, but I harbored some hope deep in my heart. Time to let that go. I am relieved not to carry either the quiet hope, or the question. But I am unhappy at the same time.
I feel grateful for my drive to clear out all the cobwebs in my life. But some of them are difficult to sweep away, and none of them will be gone until I say goodbye to each one. Whenever I stop to think about how happy I was for most of that marriage, I feel so stupid and tragic about the whole business. Writing is going to be what gets me through this. I ask your forgiveness in advance for my melancholy.
I finally got my TV and cable box working at the same time. I stopped sorting and throwing things away in midafternoon, took a short nap, and I’ve been sitting right here in front of the TV, watching Encore movies all afternoon. I am a little surprised at how much the TV has become the background of my life; History 2, The Science Channel, Project Runway, even just watching a newscast — I am reluctant to admit this, but I am as addicted as anyone else to the boob tube. I needn’t renounce my habit, either. I watch all those history and science, biography, biography and independent film channels, which feed my elite snobbishness a little bit.
I’m healthy, my blood sugars are in the high 100s, but at least they aren’t over 300. My lab work from last week showed me in reasonable shape — my hypothyroid condition is not well controlled on my current dose, so we are upping that dose a little, to see what happens. Hopefully that will give me back a little enthusiasm. I am back to walking stairs, and now it’s time to start pedaling again. My walking is still limited, but the other exercise will loosen up my legs, and walking will be less of a chore.
I just looked outside, and we have at least a couple of inches of snow accumulation. This is our first real snow, and I feel strangely better. This is a normal reaction for me — getting done with autumn, getting through it another year, is an accomplishment of which I am proud, and for which I am very grateful.
I am rambling a little tonight. I need to do some exercises in focusing my writing more clearly. That kind of challenge always boosts my mentality. I am continuing with the Algebra course, and the site I use for practice is one that offers a lot of congratulations, and encouragement. I’m thankful for every single supportive email, message, and reward certificate.
Mom is recovering nicely — I love seeing her able to bend that knee. She will be visiting Sister S. for Thanksgiving, and I will stay at her house with the kitties. I’m really looking forward to it.
I feel a bit better already — I knew writing would get my mind back in order. Tomorrow, Mom and I will shop, and then I will be back here to throw more old stuff away. In spite of the tears still running down my face, I think i will sleep better tonight. Thanks for your patience, all of you. I am indeed a lucky woman, a little wiser than I was before. That’s something for which I am very grateful.