Hello, again!

Hello, my family of readers and friends, and hello to my birth family as well.

I am far better off  than the last time I wrote.  I  am near completing my time here in the rehab hospital, and have been interviewed  one-time-each by two of local skilled-nursing-facility reps, and my case worker says there will be more.  I’ll b happy to have the choice between many.  The two are 1) Seaside, which is a home on the Back Bay, and 2) St.Joseph’s skilled-nursing facility, which passed state inspections with a higher score in Health Care.  I expect more visitors from other locations, including one from Yarmouth.

My mood is far better than it was this morning.  I continue to remind myself that where I end up will be the right place, and to invite Wisdom into my heart and my choice.  In the meantime, I am still working my butt off, emphasizing on walking, and on regaining strength in my left arm.  Odd to see, I used my left arm and hand far more than I would have known before the stroke, in ordinary motions.  I pedaled on an arm-bike today, and that wore me out, but I am staying awake, so that when my head hits the pillow, I fall asleep.

So, all goes well here, and I hope that is true for all of you .  Thanks for all your comments and support!

Much love to all.

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Death to Life, Fear to Joy

I am way behind Abraham-Hicks’ daily quotes, (follow this link to learn about Abraham.)  I went back a few days, and found this one:

We are not proponents of long life. We are proponents of joyful life, and when you find yourself in joy, the longevity usually follows. Although we do not count the success of a life by its length; we count it by its joy.

— Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in West Los Angeles, CA on Sunday, March 6th, 2005 Continue reading

An Update on “My New Toy”

A short while ago, I wrote a post about my new tablet, and about all of the other new things that I waited a long time to let into my life.   Tonight, I let another new entity into my life, against all my better judgment.

I have put off seeing the fourth Indiana Jones movie for several different reasons.  Nothing could live up to the original movie; as far as I was concerned, I didn’t want to see an old Indiana Jones shuffling around a movie set.  No offense targeted at Harrison Ford.  I just know what I was like then, and what I am now — especially a lot slower.

I didn’t believe any scriptwriter could possibly write another story as compelling as Raiders of the Lost Ark.  I questioned Temple of Doom, which stretched pretty far in an attempt to bring back Dr. Jones with the same gusto.  And, the blonde actress, Kate Capshaw, was a little too far from normal — I would have been more comfortable with almost any other actress.

The Last Crusade, the third movie in the series, was a vast improvement, due in large part to the believability of Sean Connory as Indie’s dad, a scholar obsessed with Grail legend.  Alongside some predictable father-son conflicts, we are offered very believable characteristics, with the uninvolved father, who was focused so singularly on the Grail legend that he missed most of Indiana’s outstanding, adventuresome teen age and young adulthood. A common tale, but handled really well.

Given the above, you might perhaps understand why I was so reluctant to see The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull  I was certain that it would be a disappointment, and I didn’t want to give over the Indie space in my head to an inferior movie.  But, now that I’ve seen it, I wish I had overcome my irrational fear much sooner.  It is irrational, as I’ve proved to myself dozens of times.  So many of the different things I’ve avoided, TV shows, movies, books, singers and songs, have all become real favorites of mine.  One would think I’d have learned by now.

All I can do is remember this feeling, and the victory over it I accomplished today, and hope I come around a little sooner next time.

Replace fear with love —

The Four Agreements cards, by Don Miguel Ruiz, provide daily inspiration to me; sometimes they touch my heart, sometimes they set off a little buzz in my ear.  Today’s has provided me with both.  Today’s Card comes from the Agreement, Be Impeccable with Your Word.  It reads:

Replace Fear with Love

The human mind is like a fertile ground where seeds are continually being planted.  When you are impeccable with your word, your mind is no longer fertile ground for the words that come from fear; your mind is only fertile for the words that come from love.

I was thinking about this earlier today, and I decided to look at my word, and its impeccability.  Certainly, my mind has been fertile ground for words of fear for a very long time.  In fact, my entire outlook was a combination of anger, which comes from fear, and fear itself.  And much of that attitude arose from me being a big, fat liar.  I was not ever impeccable with my word, even to myself.  My stacks of lies got bigger and bigger, and I lived with the fear that, if I continued to lie, I could lose track of the truth forever.

But that never stopped me.  As I have said before, I lied because I didn’t believe that anyone wanted to hear what I really had to say.  Why would they?  I felt so unworthy, and that feeling made me so fearful, that there was no fertile ground in my mind for the truth, or for any words of love.

And then, finally, everything changed.  As suddenly as a snap of the fingers, I chose to be happy.  And, involved in that was the choice to tell the truth — to be impeccable with my word.  Suddenly, after years of reading these Four Agreements Card, I understood what they meant about impeccability.

Being honest, right, straightforward, impeccable with my word means that I no longer live in fear, because I have nothing to hide. One thing I know:  by not lying about myself any longer, I no longer need worry about being caught by my own subterfuge.  And removing fear and worry not only leaves room for love, but  actually invites the love and happiness into me, by leaving an open space which is specifically fitted for love.

I tried for decades to shove the sadness and fear and anger into those spots, but I’m not surprised to find that first eliminating the fear automatically left that perfect slot open for love.  So now, I love myself.  Including all the ridiculous parts of me that I may now leave in the past.  And loving myself contributes to my impeccable word — recognizing value in myself becomes even more of a reason to interact with the whole world with love.

No one can hurt me…

I was a fat, unhappy girl

I would bet that most of us in this world are familiar with the phrase, “No one can hurt you unless you let them.”  It’s a common phrase, and can be found in all kinds of Daily Affirmations and other inspirational writings.  And it is, at least for me, 100% true.  I spent most of my life drawing hurt toward me; I was so vulnerable that even people who didn’t mean to hurt me, hurt me.  There were a couple of distinct parts to that vulnerability:

  • I focused so tightly on my medical misery that no one could reach me about anything else.  Only constant sadness.  I did not realize that I was reinforcing those miseries by retelling them.
  • I took EVERYTHING personally, even words or actions which obviously were performed for, or directed at, others.  I couldn’t see how not to take anything personally; I learned it as a little child, in my birth family, and I saw it reinforced throughout my adult life, through unsuccessful love affairs and questionable decisions.
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