Forgiving myself, again

How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself.

–Publilius Syrus
(http://www.zentactics.com/forgiveness-quotes.html

I thought about self-forgiveness today, on my way home from the nephrologist.  In my life, self-forgiveness has come in stages.  I remembered this today, when I visited the doctor.  She was full of good news — the result of this month’s lab tests was excellent, and all my numbers were within limits, although some were on the ragged edge of high or low. Continue reading

Acting In Our Own Best Interests

I know many people could boast histories in which their beliefs and actions were contrary to their best interests.  I certainly can.  I chose to act that way so many times, to believe the lies I told myself — I did.  Read here what Abraham-Hicks says about that:

There is nothing that you can do that is worse for yourself, than to do something that you believe is inappropriate. And so, get clear and happy about whichever choice you make.

 —Abraham

 Excerpted from the workshop in Los Angeles, CA on July 25, 1999

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Learning to Forgive

I know, now, that many different paths lead to the squandering of relationship with another person.  I don’t believe I learned them all, but I think I know a few of the top ten, anyway.  I took some time, today, to think about what I believe is the easiest of all those paths — the attempt by one partner to change the other.   Throughout my marriages, my primary task seemed to me to remake him into my idea of a good husband.

When two people enter into a relationship, they have many expectations of the other.  I had many expectations, I should say, because my attempts at relationships were always cluttered with unreachable expectations — expectations of the other, not of myself.  I never did mature enough to understand that I could not change anyone.  I acted like a six-year-old child, who wants what she wants and refuses to consider that no might be the answer.

The changes I expected my other to make were all in line with making him less like himself, and more like what I thought he should be.  And I never figured out, until well after I swore off relationships like marriage, that my mistake was to marry a person who wasn’t already who I wanted.  That seems like such an easy instruction to follow — but I didn’t understand, nor do I think I ever wanted to.  I believed I was in the right, and when, in spite of all of my efforts, he refused to become who I wanted him to be, I blamed him and left, angry and frustrated on the outside, heartbroken and wounded on the inside.  I considered my inherent unworthiness the problem, and never considered that I was the one rejecting the other because he wouldn’t change to suit me.

I knew and understood this a couple of years ago, but I was unwilling to admit to myself that I was at fault.  But a vital part of the change I’ve experienced over the last years is to forgive myself, and until I admitted my grave mistakes, I would never achieve that forgiveness.  I believe self-forgiveness will be, at least for me, a lifetime effort.  Every minute of the life I am living now offers new understanding into new levels of mistakes for which I will forgive myself.  This is a humbling experience, to say the least; but with every understanding I gain, I can move a little forward, because I have forgiven my past.

Ask? Ask.

<img class="size-full wp-image-9613" alt="Ask/Don't Ask<br />
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Ask?
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I restarted my card-drawing today, and from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, I drew my old favorite subject — Don’t Make Assumptions: Continue reading