A Lesson From The Past

I admit, with my eyes open at last, that I resented most of the nurses and doctors who cared for me during my hospiotal stays.  I apologize for that behavior and attititude; the last few days, I undersatand that negativity and complete refusal to accept my part in the outcomes of those times.

I came to this realization after a discussion with Mom; I praised the nurses, the hospitalist, my surgeon, and all of the clerks and cooks and administrative staff I worke with over the last weeks.

I stopped talking for a moment, and Mom reminded me, very gently, that most of my resentment and anger arose from my unhappiness with mnyself; that overall the nurses have been kind, lovely men and women, whose cheer simply accented my misery.  She is right.  My confrontations in the past have almost always marked time with my feeling of being ignored by people I so wanted to impress.

I’m sitting here by the big, bright window in my room at Rehab, and a few examples come to mind.. I remember being furiously angry at a certain psychiatrist, to whom I was assigned while in the Mental Health Facilty at our hospital. Of course, unlike everyone else, I didn’t really need help, so why should I listen to him; he felt I should change anti-depressants. Obviously, mine were working so well that I didn’t feel any motivation to change anything — 1 Another time, I participated quite reluctantly in a large support group, which was the maintenance of the hospital’s lessons. I might as well have been standing in Kazikstan,for all my interest and involvement. (Later, I went through the program, paying attention and being mindful about the whole business, and I made some significant cognizent-behavioral strides.) During that first session, however, I was catty and childish and refused to listen to what the nurse practitioners and other members of the staff understood so well. Naturally, as a result, I missed a lot of help offered, and instead set myself up as a victim, in the eyes of others.

Now, I’m sitting in the dining hall at Rehab, watching these kind, purposeful women and men helping the residents who chose to eat here, while a large part of the staff attends individuals eating in their rooms. In the short time I have spent here, I see these CNAs , most of them right out of nursing sfhool, sitting patiently for a resident to decide north or south, yes of no, to laugh or to cry, or not to show any reaction at all. And even though these residents sadden me, I see staff members who jump in with both feet. I expect many people have done that for me, and I either ignored their feelings, or contradicted them at every turn. Now I feel respect for all the staff, even those for whom I have no affection.

Our civilization lacks courtesy and kindness so often. In my part oif the world, I see children and teens who think nothing of pushing an elder out of a line. The last election raised big flags about underlying racism in our politics and religion. My hope shrinks a little whenever I hear differences of opinion — in the end, both parties may agree to tolerate each other. Our tolerance indicates, however, that both parties are willing to put up with the other, as long as everyone plays by the tolerator’s rules. I prefer my own set of values — keep my mind, and my heart, open. lack courtesy and kindness so often. IN my part oif the world, I see children and teens who think nothing of pushing an elder out of the way. The last election raised big flags about underlying racism in our politics and religion. I find myself quite hopeless, even when I hear differences of opinion — in the end, both parties may agree to tolerate each other. THeir tolerance indicates, however, that both parties are willing to put up with the other, as long as everyone plays by the tolerator’s rules.

Calling compliance, not complaints

This, Abraham Hicks’ Daily Law of Attraction Affirmation, is simple and straightforward.  He says:

Find something to feel good about and get out-of-the-way, and allow the cells to receive what they’ve been asking for. That is the key to healing.

— Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Orlando, FL on Saturday, January 22nd, 2005 # 616 Continue reading

So, Where Has Judith Been?

Hi, everyone!  I have been absent for a few days, and barely writing for a week.  I intend to change that starting tomorrow.  My in box is full — I’m not going to answer all of the posts.  I apologize in advance, and will of course go back and read any you think I should.

Most of my time recently has been spent either at doctors’ appointments, or helping my friend F. do his errands and hang some posters.  I will continue to help F., and I have 1 appointment on the 27th, and 2 on the 1st of October, one on the 8th, and one on the 15th.  So I will still be pretty busy.

Today’s appointment was a Tissue Perfusion Test, which resulted in about the numbers I expected.  This will help with the vascular surgeon on the 1st.  I am feeling good — my swollen legs are receding — kidneys must be a little less stressed.

Anyway, I will try and get more writing in for the rest of the week, tomorrow.  Thanks for your patience.

A New Home Phone

Here I sit, on a Friday afternoon, programming numbers into my new home phone phonebook.  And who in the world would ever think I had so many numbers to enter?

My family was first, of course — I know all those numbers by heart, but if I can dial with a button, why not?  Next, I entered Coastal Trans, Community Dental, DHHS, and all of my many doctors’ office numbers.  I have listed ten so far, and I know I’m forgetting somebody.  But instead of hunting for numbers, either in a phonebook or Google, again, one button makes the call.  I love my new phone!

I have dozens of other numbers to add, but I stopped because I had a thought — I have more friends in my computer Address Book than I remembered, by far.  The thing is, many of them are a part of the walking group in which I particpate in spring, summer, and fall.  I think they are all hibernating now, but soon, we’ll have warm enough days to get out and walk.  Good for my body, and very good for my spirit.

I think I’ve been thinking about the friend thing a little compulsively — all of these women, and some men, are my friends, whether I see them every day, or only two or three times out of the year.  I was feeling a little sorry for myself — most of my friends disappeared, although there are a few I’ve seen frequently through the winter, including G. and E., who still pick me up for knitting circle once a week, and give me rides to work, (thank you, G. and E.  Love you two.)  I saw my friend D. this last week, and we had a very nice, albeit short, reunion, as she has been traveling.

So I’ve decided to stop worrying so hard about whether or not my friends will remain friends.  I’ve felt left out for a good chunk of my life, and always found it hard to trust that anyone who said anything nice could possibly mean it, or that they would not turn around and do something awful.  Well, this is one characteristic of my inner child which I can address immediately.  By loving myself, and trusting myself, I will learn to trust that others are not going to disappear from my life.  I keep in mind a quote I put on my home page today:  “Caring for your inner child has a powerful and surprisingly quick result:  Do it, and the child heals.”    Thanks, Martha Beck.  Very good advice.